All The Times I Thought I Lost You
by theboardwalkbody
Summary: Abby and Marcus have a bit of a complicated history. Many times their lives drifted apart but they always seemed to find their way back to each other.


Together they sat at the observatory, looking out over the vast expanse of space, but mostly focusing their attention on Earth. Earth that was so close and yet so very far away. Earth that looked welcoming, and yet so forbidding. They were young then, not even teenagers yet. His clothes were large on him, hand-me-downs from his now-dead father, and he felt dwarfed. The feeling only increased when he starred at the giant planet outside of the window. Her tawny hair was tied back in a messy braid and some fake flowers made of cloth, silk, and plastic were woven into it. He had given her those flowers as a birthday gift earlier in the year and it always made him feel happy when he saw her actually wearing them. At the time he had told her it was his mother's silly idea, and blushed from embarrassment, but secretly it was all his idea. Secretly she knew that, too, which is why she wore them, because they were from him.

"Abby, I have an idea!" He said, jumping up. "We should play hide-and-seek!"  
"Marc, we played just played that yesterday, we need something new to play." She protested. "Besides, we know all of the hiding spots, it'd be too easy."  
"Not if we go to a different station!" He said joyfully, like he had come up with a life-changing discovery.  
"We can't do that! We'll get lost!" Abby couldn't believe he was even proposing the idea.  
"Isn't that the point? We'll have brand-new hiding spots and we'll pick a meet-up place so we will know where to go back too." He explained.  
"I don't know..." Abby thought.  
"Please? It's so boring sitting here." He begged.  
"Well... OK. Last one there's an alien!" she took off, laughing, racing him down the wide corridors.

He chased after her, eventually overtaking her when they wove around a few people walking along. His legs were longer and she couldn't keep up with him after that. He was so preoccupied with winning that he hadn't realized he had lost her along the way.

He stopped a moment to catch his breath, his lungs were beginning to burn in his chest. "Keep up, Abby!" he laughed, coughing a little from the exertion that laughing took, but he was not met with an answer. "Abby?" he asked, looking around. He was alone.

"Abby!" He shouted, worried now that something had happened. Was she stopped by a guard? Did she trip over something and fall and get hurt? Did someone hurt her? His mind raced with things both probable and un-probable.

His heart beat even faster, only making him more out of breath. He started running back the direction he had come to try and find her. This was not what he had in mind when he suggested a game of hide-and-seek. He looked for her down the corridor but when he got back to the observatory she wasn't back there, either. He had no clue where she went and he couldn't go to a grown-up or else he would surely get in trouble.

So he took a moment to calm himself, panicking wouldn't help him, that's what his Ma always said. Taking a deep breath he came up with a plan; he would stick to the main corridor but this time he would check rooms, too. If that didn't work he would search every side corridor and room and get an adult to help.

He started with the rooms he came upon after the point where he had overtaken Abby. At least he knew that she was there up until that point. He looked inside windows, poked his head in doors, but there were no signs of her. He was beginning to get desperate when he pushed open a door, close to where he had stopped, and heard laughing - her laugh, he would know it anywhere.

"Abby?" He asked, just to be sure.  
"Marc! There you are!" She said, like he had been the one who was lost. "This is Jake. Look, he's got flowers!"  
"That's impossible - only the tree -" He was cut off.  
"Look!" Abby insisted. Jake smiled over at him, letting him know he was welcome. Jake seemed nice enough, but Marc was skeptical about the flowers. He thought only the tree was on the Ark. Where did this kid get real Earth flowers from?

He walked over and sat next to Abby, looking at the flowers spread out before him. Abby wasn't lying, Jake did have flowers. They were flat and had been placed inside thin sheets of clear plastic.

"It's so the air doesn't ruin them." Jake said. "My dad said that on Earth people would pick flowers and put them in books as bookmarks. They got the idea from there. They took these and flattened them and wrapped them in this lam... lamination, I think he said, and then they wont die." "Were they grown here?" Marc asked, and instantly felt stupid, of course they weren't.  
"No." Jake explained, but he didn't laugh at Marc's question despite how red Marc had turned. "They were from Earth. My dad said these are over 70 years old! One day, though, I want to try and get flowers to grow here. Maybe some plants and trees. That's what I want to do." "I water the tree." Marc blurted out. He went even redder in the face. He wasn't sure why he said it. If it was to impress Jake that he actually got to see a real live tree, one that wasn't stuck in plastic paper, or if it was to impress Abby, that Jake may have dead flowers but he has a real tree. "That's cool, too." Jake said. He wasn't impressed, and neither was Abby who was still enamored by the flowers, but he wasn't mean about it, either. "Abby, I think we should go." He said.  
"But the flowers!" She protested.  
"They're dead." He said out loud, though he didn't mean to. "Marcus!" Abby gasped. Tears welling in the corners of her eyes.  
"I mean... I..." he didn't know what to say. He was angry that this Jake ruined their fun and that Abby would rather sit here with him rather than going back to their station.  
"It's okay," Jake said, taking the laminated flowers away and arranging them in a neat stack, "you can always come back later or something. I live in this station. We could meet up and look at them again."

Marcus wasn't positive Jake was including him in his usage of 'we' but he assumed not. Then again there wasn't a reason for him to think that, Jake seemed nice enough.

Abby nodded and got up. Saying goodbye to Jake she turned and walked out of the room. Jake waved to Marc when he looked back over his shoulder as he followed Abby out of the room.

"I thought you got lost!" Marc said, loudly.  
"I wasn't lost! You took me away from the flowers!" Abby yelled.  
"They were in paper!" He said. "At least the one's I gave you you could touch." He added under his breath. Abby sighed, she hadn't heard what he muttered. "I know, but, they were so beautiful. And he was so nice. I think we should go see him tomorrow."  
"I don't know. We really shouldn't leave our station. We could get for real lost or something." He argued.  
"Don't be a baby. We're going to see the flowers!" She said with finality and from that point on their duo became a trio.

* * *

It was a rare thing nowadays when Marc and Abby had a day to spend alone. Typically Jake was always there with them, but they were 15 now and that meant that the more serious training for their future careers had begun. Jake was spending more time with his own father in the labs. Abby was still debating on whether she was going to take up medical practices or try studying to become Chancellor, and she was given a two week grace period to figure it out. Marc, however, was pretty set on taking over for his mom and doing sermons and taking care of The Tree. His mother hadn't signed off on his permission slip, though, she was still trying to get him to take up something else, just as a backup.

"You can always do this later, Marcus," she had said, "but you can't go back to school later on should you change your mind."  
"I'm not going to change my mind, Ma. The Tree is hope, we need it, and it needs us. I'm going to teach the people like you do, it is the only thing I want." She smiled at his words, "You're a good boy, Marcus, but you shouldn't limit your options, you're so smart!" "No, Ma. I just want to do what you do." He insisted and that is how the conversation carried on until they both retired for the night, but his mother, Vera, was not ready to give up on him continuing his education just yet, so she refused to sign the forms.

"Abby, do you want to go to the service with me this afternoon?" He asked, shaking the previous night's conversation with his mother from his head.  
"I don't know," Abby said, "how come you still go?" "It's hope." he told her.  
"That's silly." she replied.

Her words echoed around his head. It was painful to hear her say that. Didn't she know how much The Tree meant, not just to the people but to him? Didn't she think that way? He thought she had, after all, she used to go with him all the time.

"What?" He questioned.  
"It's silly." She repeated. "Jake thinks it's silly, too." "Does he?" He wasn't surprised, he had begun to thought Jake felt that way, but he didn't yet want to admit that not everyone felt the same about The Tree as he and his mother did. "Yeah, he said it's silly to worship that old tree. On Earth he said it was just like a decoration, not like any of the huge trees that grow on Earth. He said it's also silly because one day he's going to make real trees and flowers and bushes and plants grow here on the Ark. That's what he's going to school for."  
"The Tree IS a real tree!" He yelled. "So what it's small! It's real! It's real and it's hundred of years old! All he has are silly plastic dead flowers!" "I don't know what you're getting so mad about." Abby said, calmly. "Forget it." He got up and left.  
"Marcus, wait!" Abby called, but he didn't go back.

He walked over to the small "church" where The Tree was, this afternoon they would meet for a sermon and he would water it. Only a few drops or else it would drown and die. Abby was crazy if she couldn't see how special this tree was. He stood in front of it, looking at it's perfect shape, it's delicate, yet strong features. He tenderly touched a finger to one of the branches and swore he could feel the life thrumming through the bark.

"Would you look at that pathetic thing?" someone said from behind him. "Which, the stupid stick or the Mama's Tree-Boy?" someone else asked.

Marcus turned around, standing in the doorway were two teenagers he didn't know. Both boys were laughing at him.

"Go to Hell." Marc told them and turned back to The Tree.  
"Oooo!" One of the boys sang.  
"You kiss your Mama with that mouth?" The other laughed.  
"Hey, you think he kisses that old twig with that mouth?" The first boy asked. They both let out a gut splitting laugh.  
"Shut up!" Marc, yelled at them without turning around, his fists tightening on the table in front of him.  
"Little Baby Tree-Boy!" the boys chanted and laughed.  
"That thing does no one good. It's a waste of water." One said.  
"They should burn it for heat, they maybe some of us wouldn't go cold at night." The other boy added.  
"Nah, thing is barely bigger than a matchstick. You couldn't light a birthday candle with it." The first responded.

Without thinking Marcus turned around and went and stood in the face of the boys laughing at him. They were older and towered over him but he tried his damnedest to look intimidating.

"I said shut up!" He yelled and pushed the boy in front of him.  
They only laughed. "He's just as crazy as his Mama!" One said.  
The boy who he'd shoved a moment ago shoved him back and knocked him to the ground. Marcus hit his head on a chair on the way down, his vision swam a moment and he started to cry. "Look! Look the baby Tree-Boy is crying!" The boy who shoved him laughed.

Their jeering mixed with his embarrassment only made him cry harder. This shouldn't be happening. Not here. This was supposed to be a Holy place. But maybe his Ma was wrong about that, too. With his vision blurred from crying and his ears ringing with the boys' laughter he hadn't noticed Abby come in. Then again, neither did the boys. She used her shorter stance to her advantage and bent down to be level with the boys' knees. With one strong swipe of her arm she had knocked the boys off their feet. They crumpled to the ground, stunned, not knowing what the hell happened. When they looked up they saw Abby, in her murderous rage, and started laughing again. This time, however, they just stood up and laughed their way out the door. "Weirdo's" Marcus heard one of them say as they walked out laughing.

Abby walked up to him and held her hand out to help him up. He didn't take it. "Marc, please let me help you." "Why? So you can tell me The Tree is silly, too? Well, thanks, but I think I got the point now." he snapped.  
"No, I mean, don't let them get to you." She said. "I'm beginning to think everyone is right." He sighed and sat up. Abby sat down beside him. "You're right. It is silly. It's a stupid decoration." "If you think it's not then -" Abby started.  
"That doesn't matter, what I think, it's what it IS." He said. "Ma was right, I need to do something else. I need to stay in school." "Marc, you should do what you want." Abby said. "I don't know what I want!" He suddenly yelled. "It's like I'm lost! I don't know what else to do! And you're going to go back to school and we wont have time to see each other and what will I do then?"  
"I don't know. We will figure it out." She put an arm around his shoulders. "I don't know what to choose yet, either. We can be lost together." "What about when we're not lost, what then?" He asked.  
"Marc," she smiled, "We live in a space station - it's not like we're not going to see each other when we're in school or when we graduate." "I know, it's just... confusing, I guess." He admitted.  
"That's life. At least that's what my parents say." Abby told him.  
"I don't think I want to do the Tree thing anymore." He whispered.  
"That's okay, you know it is, you said your mom wanted you to go back to school anyway." Abby assured him.  
"Yeah, I know." he said.  
"So what's the problem?" Abby asked.  
"I don't want to lose you like I just lost The Tree." He admitted.  
Abby didn't know what to say in regards to him loosing his faith, she hoped that maybe he would come to terms with it later when the boys' laughter and hurting words left his head. "You won't lose me." "Promise?" He asked.  
"Promise." She held out her pinky finger.  
He wrapped his own pinky around hers and smiled.

* * *

School had come and gone and they were no longer kids now. It was graduation day, and now they would officially be considered adults and within a week start working in their chosen fields. Jake finished his studies in environmental engineering, Abby had decided to pursue medicine after all, and Marcus set out for politics and was going to try his hand running for councilor and then, eventually, Chancellor. Both Abby and Jake were surprised by his decision but not more than his own mother who was confused when he had returned home the day after arguing his refusal to be anything other than a Tender of the Tree with the statement that it was "silly" and that he would try his hand at being a lawmaker. She didn't talk him out of it, but she was hurt by his remarks about The Tree. He hadn't attended a meeting since that day, something she had questioned him about numerous times, but he refused to explain himself. She kept trying to passively get him to return to meetings, and he was glad that he would soon be moving into his own place and free of her nagging.

But that was not something he wanted to deal with today. No, today was supposed to be a day of celebration! Graduation day was finally here. The ceremony was small, what with the tiny graduating class and families being small on the Ark. Probably about 100 graduates that year, and only 200 gathered in the crowd, if that. The small class size made the proceedings quick, which no one minded as the sooner they left, the sooner they could celebrate. Marcus quickly brushed off his mother's doting and kisses, embarrassed that she still babied him (he was 18 now, enough was enough!) and met up with Abby and Jake. The three of them were going out to celebrate.

Together the trio walked down the corridor, still dressed in their graduation garbs (which were nothing really but old baggy looking cloths supposed to mimic what they had on Earth but failing miserably) laughing about old memories. One by one they broke off to their own houses and quickly changed to all meet up together at the observatory. They had scrimped and saved their allowances and together bought one bottle of champagne that had been made on the Ark roughly around the time it launched. It was expensive and none of them knew how it tasted, but on Earth they were told people drank it in celebration and that's what they intended to do, too. Marcus had chipped in the most and therefore he was designated it's transporter. He changed, grabbed the bottle and headed out.

When he reached the observatory Jake and Abby were already there, laughing. Abby was practically sitting on his lap she was so close to him. Marcus was no fool. He knew how much they liked each other. Knew that they had spent time together without him, like he had spent time with each of them without the other there. But he knew by the way Abby bounced about that she had seen Jake alone and she never seemed to act that way after their meetings. He never said anything about it, it wasn't really his business, but it hurt. Perhaps Abby sensed that because whenever Marcus was around she tried not to sit so close to Jake or pay any special attention to him, but it was hard sometimes. He knew for a while he had feelings for her that went beyond friendship, not unlike the feelings she must have for Jake, but he never told her - he figured he made her choice and if it wasn't him then what could he do? Nothing.

Abby scooted away from Jake when she heard Marcus enter the room. He smiled at her. "Hey, man! Hurry up with that stuff! I'm dyin' to know what it's like!" Jake said eagerly.  
"Hold your horses, I'm coming." Marc smiled. He joined them over in the window seat and laid out the three glasses. "Who's pouring?"  
"We all should." Abby said.  
Jake laughed, "at the same time?" "Yeah, why not? We all hold with one hand and pour!" Abby explained.  
"Should be interesting." Marc laughed. "May as well try."  
"Eh, why not." Jake shrugged with a grin.

Marcus uncapped the bottle and the three of them all put a hand on the bottle of Ark champagne. The glasses were arranged together in front of them and they tried their best to pour and even amount in all three glasses. For the most part they were successful but there was more than a fair amount that had spilled over and on to the seat. They laughed, not caring that every drop they spilled was a month's worth of allowance wasted. They set the bottle down, picked up their glasses and raised them.

"To graduating!" Jake said.  
"To graduating!" Marc and Abby repeated. They touched glasses gently and took a sip.

Abby grimaced, Jake nearly spit his out, and Marcus choked.

"God, that's gross." Marc said when he stopped choking.  
"I know, it taste's worse than any medicine I've ever had." Abby chimed in.  
With all seriousness, Jake looked quizzically at his glass before looking up at Abby and Marcus saying, in all seriousness, "it tastes like cold piss."  
The three of them burst out laughing.

For several hours the three of them sat there, nursing the champagne they had spent so much money on, reminiscing, and talking about the future with the Earth outside of the window as their only audience. It was getting late, and they were getting tired. The conversation was beginning to die down and longer and longer pauses stretched out between conversations. There was one particular lull were no one said anything for at least 10 minutes as they all stared out at the Earth and stars.

"I hope you don't mind that I do this, Marc." Jake said, breaking the silence. Marcus looked over at him, confused.  
Jake looked down at his hands a moment, then turned to Abby. "I hope you don't mind, either, Abby. It's just - I don't want all this champagne to go to waste," he laughed lightly, "and we were having such a great night that I just... I just feel this is right." "What do you mean?" Abby said, but there was a hitch in her voice that hinted that she did have some idea what Jake was thinking.  
Marcus was confused beyond belief. "Abby, I... Will, um. Okay." Jake took a breath.

'Oh, he isn't doing this.' Marc thought to himself. 'Not right now, is he?'

"Abby," Jake looked her in the eyes, "Will you... marry me?" Abby gasped, "Yes, Jake!" She jumped forward and wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. When she pulled away she rested her head on his shoulder. Jake looked up at Marcus over Abby's shoulder.

"Sorry, man." he mouthed.

Were his feelings for Abby so obvious that even Jake felt the need to apologize? Or was he apologizing for doing this in front of him rather than in private? Whatever his reason Marcus didn't care. He just wished he was anywhere else but in this room.

He shrugged at Jake.

"I should go." He said, standing up. "Congrats to the both of you."  
"Marc, wait, stay and celebrate with us!" Abby broke away from Jake.  
"Nah, I'm dead tired, and I'm sure you would like to celebrate alone for a bit anyway." Marcus said. "Are you sure?" Abby asked.  
"Yeah, man, it's no big deal, I mean - there's enough champagne left for all of us." Jake added.  
"Nah, I'm good. And don't lie, Jake, you know you want that whole bottle to yourself." Marcus gave a halfhearted smile at the comment. One that Jake returned with about as much enthusiasm. "Good-night, guys."  
"'Night, man." Jake said.  
"Good-night, Marc." Abby said.

"I should have waited -" Marcus heard Jake whisper as he left the room.

He was in a daze as he walked back to his room. Everything seemed so far away and fake to him and not a single thought ran through his mind, his thoughts were completely numb. When he reached home his mother immediately ran up to him to congratulate him for probably the 500th time.

"Oh, Marcus! I'm so proud of you!" she said rushing up from the couch and running over to him. She pulled him into a hug that he didn't return and kissed his cheek. "Congratulations!" she sung.

It was then that he broke down. If anything was going to get his mother to stop babying him it was definitely not breaking down and sobbing in her arms, but it was the only thing he could bring himself to do at the moment.

"Oh, sweetie, what happened?" she questioned him, holding him tightly. He shook his head. He could barely speak. "Come." she tugged him over to the couch and he laid down on it. She sat down by his feet and rubbed his arm as he cried. "Sweetie, tell me what's happened. It's okay, I can help."  
"I lost her, Ma. I lost her." was all that he could bring himself to say about it. And there was nothing his mother could do about it.

* * *

Laying awake that night listening to the sounds of crickets, cicadas, birds, and the rustling of wind through leaves he thought about his life back on the Ark. How it all seemed to insignificant now, in the middle of a war. On Earth. Jake was gone, his own mother was gone. None of what happened there mattered down here. Yet at the same time, it did. To him, anyway. He felt guilty about the things he did, the things he said. But he could start new down here. Everyone could, even if not everyone could see it that way.

Clarke had asked him to go to Ton DC in her place. He went, for her, Abby and Jake's daughter. Oh, what he wondered Jake would do down here. Maybe make more laminated flowers. He laughed, momentarily lost in happy thoughts of the past. It was followed by a sigh as he sat up, he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. The meeting was not until tomorrow night, but he was told to get there the day prior, so he had. Sleeping in a strange place surrounded by people who did not want him there was not very calming on the nerves. He would have gotten up and gone for a walk, but this place was not safe. So he laid back down, and tried his hand at sleeping once more.

Surprisingly the next time he opened his eyes it was morning. Somehow he had managed to fall asleep. It was a dark, dreamless sleep. It was actually a comfort compared to the nightmares he had been having recently. Fires, blood, broken bodies, full blown war. All of those things and more had been waking him up through the night for weeks.

During the day he did his part to try and offer help, most of which went turned down, as he tried to kill time before the meeting started. The time dragged as he watched the last of the people arrive at the site. He was used to this sort of thing - meetings in which he would have to present an opinion, option, or answer to a group of others - so it wasn't the meeting that made him nervous. Something was nagging at him, a feeling that something was going to go wrong, and it was this that made him uncomfortable.

When asked later he couldn't remember what happened. All he was able to put together was that he was waiting for the meeting to start one moment and the next the Earth had exploded around him. Literally. He woke in darkness, buried under a pile of heavy rubble, and unable to move. It was strange, the nothingness he felt then; he felt not fear, pain, or hopelessness. He always experienced a sort of panic during hard times, though he did his best to mask it, sometimes his temper besting him. But no. This time he was calm, like all the cares in the world had been removed from him. His only concern was being found. It wasn't an overwhelming sense of urgency, just something he felt was necessary. He couldn't see in the darkness that had swallowed him so he groped around with a free hand. After a few painful brushes against shards and rock he found something useful, an exposed steel rod hung above him and when he knocked his hand against it the rod would slightly bend and snap back creating a loud sound, one that was hopefully enough to be heard by someone. He wasn't sure how deep he was buried or if there even was anyone.

It was then he thought of Abby. Oh, how glad he was that Clarke had sent him to go rather than herself, and even more glad she had denied Abby's demands to go with him. But wait - hadn't he seen Clarke before ending up here? He swore he did, but now he couldn't remember. His head ached the more he tried to remember the moments before the blast but nothing was coming to him. His arm began to grow tired from being held up to reach for the steel rod that was his only hope but he didn't let it drop.

He began to think about the things he'd done in life. The mistakes he'd made, the good things, the embarrassing things, the things that had eaten away at him for nights on end. None of it upset him. There was nothing he could change and he had spent his time dwelling on them. He learned what he could from the past and hoped his new choices and actions would make him a better man.

His mother popped into his mind then, he knew she would love him no matter what, knew that she would forgive him, and that she would never turn her back on him even though there were times he had turned his back on her. Perhaps this was why he didn't feel a sense of urgency, why he instead felt calm. Perhaps he had already come to accept death already, at some point when he must not have been paying attention. At least he would see his mother again, and if the stories she had told him as a boy were true then he would see her again one last time when his eyes closed for good. Perhaps that was her calling his name now. Faint, from somewhere in the distance, someone had called his name. It must be her, he thought, he was getting so tired.

It wasn't his mother who had called him. A firm hand grabbed his as he reached, one last time, for the steel rod above him. It took him a moment to think clearly and recognize who was there but when he did it was like his entire body was plunged back into being.

"Abby?" he questioned, unsure if he was seeing correctly or if perhaps this was his afterlife, but it wasn't. It was really her. For all the times he had thought he lost her, she was the one who had found him.


End file.
